That’s what I’ve been asking myself all this time. My name
is Billy, I am 32 years old… For years I’ve been trying to figure out what we
are; what is our purpose not only on this planet, but in the entire universe.
What is the universe? Where do we go after we die.
We’ve all thought about these questions at some points in
our lives. But will we ever get answers? One thing is for sure, we all will.
But why are we so eager to know right now? What’s the purpose. Will an answer
really give us motive to live? Or die?
These are my own personal thoughts and maybe even
discoveries over the past few years. Some personal enlightenment in my journey
to becoming a better version of myself? But why? What guides me to becoming a better
version? Is it God? Is it me? Is it a universal law that gives me that urge?
And why some other people have different kinds of urges? Like killing, or
stealing?
Recently I discovered that I’ve been an empath all my life. Well, for the most part.
I realized that is why my life has been challenging. All my life I felt that
events, and circumstances always worked against me. That I never got a break,
always chasing a dream and never seem to reach it. As if that wasn’t enough, I
realized that when it came to my personal urge to pursue love, I always ended
up with people that needed to depend on somebody.
Everybody has needs. Everybody needs to feel loved. And
everybody, no exceptions, deserves to be loved. How do I know that? It took me
a while to understand how… but in the end I realized, it’s because I have
needs, I deserve to be loved. We are all the same. That is how I started to see
the world through my emotions and feelings. I’ve started understanding others
just by seeing myself through their eyes, attempting to understand how they
felt about me and any given situation. I did that because I wanted to feel accepted.
I couldn’t bare the fact that somebody wouldn’t like me, even though I had qualities
that some people wouldn’t like. I wanted to feel like I am everybody’s friend.
And I succeeded!
I can’t say I don’t have enemies, or people that don’t like some
of my qualities. In fact, I know I do. The way I deal with those people is to
honestly and truthfully respect their opinions. Not Accept! Respect.
What I found is that these people repress a lot of anger
inside them. That is easy to understand, anybody could understand that. Not many
know how to deal with it. But still, I felt that I was not completely right. So
I attempted to dive deeper inside of them. Why are you angry? Some people are
angry about their lives, or their parents, or angry about gays, I don’t know.
But why? That is it that caused this anger? So I kept digging.
In every one of these people, I could feel myself reaching a
very deep part of their minds. It was a part, I felt, that was very primitive,
where logic doesn’t exist anymore. A deeper layer of consciousness. And within
this layer, I’ve found many groups of something I cannot really describe by
words, but looks like a bubble of chaotic feelings, and emotions and sometimes
images, but always a sense of one’s self frozen int time. In these bubbles some
emotions are rural over others, but nonetheless, every emotion and feeling
possible a person can have exists in them.
I could identify with them, I could see that these “bubbles”
exist inside me too. And sometimes they come to surface as feelings, or
emotions or even ideas. These bubbles are what make us who and what we are now.
All of our experiences, our fears, every significant moment in our lives
created one of these bubbles inside of us. The collection of which construct
our personality; or personalities!
It is not very hard to understand that these bubbles are in
fact our own personalities. We all have them. No one person can have only one
personality. Think about it. We react differently under different situations in
our lives, and other people react differently than us while undergoing the same
situations in their lives.
For every personality, for every reaction, for every
feeling, there is a reason. There is a cause. For every reaction in our lives,
there is something that cause it. In my attempt to understand others better,
and try to become their friend, I tend to analyze their behaviors by means of
empathy, mainly seeing myself through their eyes and discover how I would
behave like in their shoes. And that provided me with many insights about
myself and about them. It gave me the tools I needed to make them feel understood
by me. And that’s the best feeling somebody can have about another person. That
they are understood.
You may think this is a very good quality a person can have,
to be able to understand others and make them feel special. I did too! However,
very recently, I discovered I was wrong!
When you tend to empathize with people, almost every time,
you identify with that person. Their pain becomes your pain. And you tend to
try to find solutions to take that pain away from them. Most empaths think they
are strong enough to do that. The reality is we are not. What does it mean to
be strong? To carry other people’s problems on you? Sure it is kind and all,
something we all feel deep inside we should do for one another. But what happens
when you, as an empath, always give and give and give but don’t receive enough?
Sure, all those people love me and they want to be my
friends and that makes me feel good. But is it because they really like my
personality or is it because I unconsciously “manipulated” them somehow to like
me? When we empathize with people, when they see me as somebody who understands
them, and when they start feeling like they need something like this in their
lives, does this become like a need for them? Like a source of understanding
and love? And when these people are usually broken inside, is that even good
for them? To create a dependency on somebody who seems like is guiding their
lives? Are we therapists?
Every person has an unlimited power to support themselves. Most
of them forget they even have it. So they try to depend on external sources to
get it.
Why am I saying all this? I really don’t know, I just felt I
had to tell my story, mainly because even though I feel very optimistic about
life and I try to spread this outside for other people to see, I really feel I
am not getting somewhere. I really feel like I’m losing it. I am not saying I
am depressed. I just feel sad. And I feel sad not because I feel pity for me,
or that I cannot reach my goals, but because of my need to be loved and
understood. Everybody enjoys taking from me, but nobody is willing to give back
to me. I know it sounds selfish to think that way, after all I should not
expect anything in return, but deep inside, I think, what urges us even to
provide support is to get at least support in return.
When I try to express this feeling to others, most people
seem to attack me. They remind me that I shouldn’t expect anything in return,
and I know that. But why attack somebody when he comes with such a complaint?
Is it so hard to simply provide a little understanding instead, or make them
feel special especially after all the support they’ve provided you with?
I realized that it is not because people are selfish. Even
though one might think they are. I felt this in people. They are just in
conflict with themselves. Deep inside they know they are wrong, but they cannot
accept that. It is very hard to admit that you are wrong, and for some people
it is impossible. And when something is impossible inside a person’s mind, then
it doesn’t even exist. Instead, the reaction is that of defense; attack!
But that’s not really what makes me sad. It is the fact that
these people, maybe even most of us, area not really awake in our realities. We
don’t have the courage or sometimes even the will to awaken. To open our minds
and expand, discover, aim for something greater. And that’s not other than us,
but something greater within ourselves!
To work for something greater than you, you must first
discover your own potentials. Find out what you are capable of. Learn!
Honestly, most of the times, I walk around the streets, I
meet people driven by urges and emotions and fears, not realizing that that’s
not what they are only capable of. People in my life, that I love, tormented by
their own power of their minds to think negative and allow these feelings to
take control of their lives; they don’t understand that this is only a small
part of their being. If they used the same power to think about the positives
in their lives, nothing would seem so dark!
Whenever I show them that power, again I’m faced with defenses.
Most of their arguments are that they don’t want to run away from their
problems or that they need to prepare for what’s to come. Yes! I agree 100%.
But when you dive so deep in a negative and dark world, eventually you fail to
see the light to come back up. You fail to see your own power to help you deal
with this problem. All I am suggesting is to keep to the positive, make
yourself feel good. See your own power to control your thoughts, and only then
can you make the best decision for any problem you think you have in your life.
I know it is hard, but really. It’s a simple decision. They
all tell me that it is easy for me to say because I am stronger. Truth is I am
not. I can feel myself breaking. The only difference is I chose not to. I can
see it in myself. I can hear myself thinking how unfair it is for others to
allow to feel this way and express it and not for me. I am not ignoring that
part of myself. I chose to see the positive and I show that part of myself
that, you know what, this is only one negative in a big pool of mostly
positives.
And sometimes, this pool contains mostly negatives, in that
case I use at least one positive to create more positives for myself. A very
good example that I am constantly criticized for by the closest people in my
life is the fact that even though I may be broke, without a job sometimes, that
I have some financial obligations or whatever, I always find a way to go out
and have fun. Treat myself. Make me feel special and even wanted. That is my
fuel. I refuse to dive deeper into the negative parts of my life and instead I
try to create positives to have and think about.
When people are in conflict over who is right and who is
wrong, most people will take sides. In any case the majority will be right. We
are trained to behave like this. But is this the right way? Given any
situation, a person think he is right about something. Do you think you have
the right to strip that person his right to feel that way? You would say maybe
no but by providing him the evidence to support the contrary is the right thing
to do and I agree. But this person “feels” this way. This feeling, no matter how
it was created inside of him, is real to him! You as an outsider, are not
required to agree with this feeling. But you are required to respect it. And if
you don’t think you can do that, you don’t have to keep it in your life. Surely
there are some lines that mustn’t be crossed, but in most cases there aren’t.
I realize that all of us need to be understood, and so when
I have somebody trying to change my ideas and perspective on things, I do not
disagree or block their thoughts. Instead I take it all in, process it, make
them feel like I understand what they are saying. It doesn’t mean I will follow
it. But I have to keep an open mind, maybe there is something in their words
that I didn’t see before. But when it comes to my own stability and life, based
on the information I receive and already possess, I will take my time to think
and decide which direction to follow.
But, we cannot constantly analyze and decide. There has to
be time for fun, to clear our thoughts, prepare the grounds for more mental processing.
It is like taking a nice bath to feel energized to start of your day. Always
treat yourself. You deserve it! But some people don’t want to see it this way.
And that is why I believe that most of us, we are not fully awake in this reality.
It is like we are being hypnotized, programmed to keep working and keep moving
until we die! I don’t want to get into conspiracy theories but I think you get
my point.
I really feel that I am something completely different. I
know that we all agree that all of the above are what makes us human. That we
are driven by emotion and primitive urges. But I feel I have a choice. I know I
am part of this world, but I feel as if I am just an observant. I see the
feeling, the need of being loved inside of me, but I can choose to follow it or,
not really ignore, but “convince” some how that it is not why I am here for.
I see these people around me constantly driven by emotions, I
can analyze them and predict their behavior. I can attempt to show them the
truth and see it in their souls that they will not listen to me, even though
they agree and keep nodding to me. I can feel that they are not “ready”. Ready
for what?!
I feel like I am merely an observant, who is here not for me
but for others. I can see how I help some people make a change in their lives,
help them achieve something by showing them how to use their own powers. Is
that why I am here?
These feelings inside me are simply on hold right now. I
feel I have a choice. To go left, or to go right. Either direction I know is
right for me. I will not be ignoring some need, but simply convince it to
accept my decision.
I am not asking for guidance, that would be silly. If 1000
people reply to me there will be 100% of mixed reactions no one definitive
solution, and that gives me the peace that whatever choice I make it will be
correct for me. I have some time left in this beautiful world, 30, 50 or even
70 years left. I want to make them count.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Honestly, it
sounds a lot better in my head, but it is sometimes very difficult to express
every emotion or thought I have inside of me. I am not a writer and I don’t
pretend to be one. I just hope that this will help at least one of you out
there to better understand themselves and start seeing the world a little
differently. But I also want to know if any of you feels like I do.
